Recent Conversation with my 6 year old son:
Justice: You're a single lady, Mom cause you don't have a boyfriend.
Me: Yes, you are right. I am a single lady, although I wish I wasn't.
Justice: I wish you weren't either.
Me: Really? Well then you should pray that God would give me a boyfriend.
Justice: I do, Mom. I asked Jesus last night.
Me: Well, thank you for asking Jesus. So, since you want me to have a boyfriend, does this mean that if I get married my husband won't have to sleep on the couch?
Justice: No, he still has to sleep on the couch.
In light of this recent conversation, I wanted to post a poem I wrote awhile back and posted on facebook. This poem is really special to me because it reminds me of when I gave up on God and things went wrong. I lost my way because I got tired of waiting on God to send me the right man and I ventured out on my own trying to fulfill my desires instead of waiting on Him. I had many failed relationships because I pursued them thinking that I could make them work instead of looking to God.
I haven't dated anyone in a year or so. The last two guys I dated have had a huge impact on me. The last man stopped talking to me when he found out that my son was biracial. While I would be lying if I said that didn't hurt a little, in another way, it was a huge blessing because if a man can't find love in his heart for my son, then I don't need his love either. The man before him promised me the moon and the stars, not literally of course, but he did tell me everything I wanted to hear and more. It's funny how it was all so easy to believe. He was a man of God, but he didn't want to encourage my walk with God, which is something that I definitely want in a relationship. He also refused to let me go to church with him. With his unwillingness to encourage me or help me find a home church, I realized it was up to me to do it myself which let me to the church I attend now. I believe that him hurting me led me to where I was supposed to be all along. So, I'm actually happy things didn't work out with him either. Maybe I'm crazy, but after we broke up, I was pretty devastated, yet I prayed and prayed for him that he would find the one he was supposed to be with if it wasn't me. It wasn't long after that I found out that he married a woman he went to church with. It made a little more sense to me then, it still hurt, but I'm happy for him and also happy that God answered my prayer and gave him to the woman he was supposed to be with instead of me.
So, here I still am today. Still waiting and praying for that special someone to come into my life and my son is praying for that too, which really blesses my heart. I know that if God can answer my prayers for an ex-boyfriend to find his someone special that He can answer my prayers that I find someone special too. Truth is, I walked away from God and went looking on my own 15+ years ago and it was an epic fail on my part. Even though I haven't dated anyone in over a year, it doesn't make me want to go looking on my own again. I have no desire to chase after any dream or desire if it isn't what God wants me to have. This time I'm going to do it God's way and wait on Him, even if I have to wait another year or possibly many years. I know He will make it worth the wait. I truly believe God will lay it on the heart of the man He wishes to be in my life to love not only me, but also my son and daughter. Justice has never had the opportunity to know a father and I think I would be more excited for him to have someone in his life than I would be for myself. And while I can think of so many ways that all of this could happen, I don't want it to be any of those ways either. I don't want to write my own love story; I want God to write it because there is no greater Author than He.
As Good As She Thought
She could sense him coming
From what seemed a mile away
She didn't want to see him
For the fear she would want him to stay
But there he was, right in front of her
Still looking as good as the first day they met
She could smell his cologne so strong
That now made her weak with much regret
For something had changed for her
As she watched him walk away
Like a weight that had been lifted
She was happy he didn't want to stay
As good as she thought she had it back then
It wasn't as good as it could have been
Though at that time she didn't want to part
She now thanks God that guy broke her heart
She gave him her everything and more
She thought it might make him stay
But you can't hold on to someone
Who wants nothing but to run away
He sees something new around each corner
And feels he deserves it all
When he left with that other girl
She tried her best to make him stall
And as he walked out on her that day
She felt as if she could just die
Now today she looks back at him
And questions herself, "Oh, why?"
'Cause as good as she thought she had it back then
It wasn't as good as it could have been
Though at that time she didn't want to part
She now thanks God that guy broke her heart
Now she may not be able to look into the future
She doesn't know everything that's in store
But she can count on it being better
Better than those guys, that's for sure
What she thought they could give her
Wasn't what her heart deserved
Now instead of settling for less
She's got her heart reserved
For that special man who will one day
Walk into her life to stay
The one who will remind her
That she has a reason to say
"As good as I thought I had it back then
It wasn't as good as it could have been
Lord, I'm happy those other guys did part
And You sent me a man who won't break my heart"
From what seemed a mile away
She didn't want to see him
For the fear she would want him to stay
But there he was, right in front of her
Still looking as good as the first day they met
She could smell his cologne so strong
That now made her weak with much regret
For something had changed for her
As she watched him walk away
Like a weight that had been lifted
She was happy he didn't want to stay
As good as she thought she had it back then
It wasn't as good as it could have been
Though at that time she didn't want to part
She now thanks God that guy broke her heart
She gave him her everything and more
She thought it might make him stay
But you can't hold on to someone
Who wants nothing but to run away
He sees something new around each corner
And feels he deserves it all
When he left with that other girl
She tried her best to make him stall
And as he walked out on her that day
She felt as if she could just die
Now today she looks back at him
And questions herself, "Oh, why?"
'Cause as good as she thought she had it back then
It wasn't as good as it could have been
Though at that time she didn't want to part
She now thanks God that guy broke her heart
Now she may not be able to look into the future
She doesn't know everything that's in store
But she can count on it being better
Better than those guys, that's for sure
What she thought they could give her
Wasn't what her heart deserved
Now instead of settling for less
She's got her heart reserved
For that special man who will one day
Walk into her life to stay
The one who will remind her
That she has a reason to say
"As good as I thought I had it back then
It wasn't as good as it could have been
Lord, I'm happy those other guys did part
And You sent me a man who won't break my heart"
-LaDawn
Cossey
February
8, 2013
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. Psalms 27:14 KJV
I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. Psalms 130:5 KJV
Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. Micah 7:7 KJV
The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. Lamentations 3:25 KJV
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