Not everyone knows, but after I gave birth to Justice I continued to have some health problems and the doctor couldn't figure out what was going on, so her only solution was to do a couple procedures to try and figure things out. When she done these procedures she realized that I had a miscarriage and the only time frame of which I could have miscarried was in the early stages of my pregnancy with Justice. This made a little more sense because in the early stages of my pregnancy with him I had problems of which the doctor thought that I had miscarried, so I had multiple tests ran, was on bedrest, etc. I can remember praying, "Lord, if it's your Will that I have this baby then let it be, but if not, then Lord have Your Will". I wasn't praying for my baby to die, but yet that God knew what was best for me. Odds are that at the beginning of my pregnancy, I miscarried Justice's twin brother or sister without even knowing it until Justice was about 7 or 8 months old. I find myself wondering about what this child would have been like. Would he or she be anything like Justice or would he or she have been more like their big sister, Destiny? One thing I do know is that one day I will get to meet this little soul that I never knew and even though I don't fully understand why this child was never born, I do understand that God knew what I could handle and what I couldn't and thus, just like I prayed, He had His Will.
Now back to Justice testing my patience, on days like today, I often think to myself that God knew exactly what he was doing because sometimes I feel I don't have the strength or the patience for Justice. That may sound bad, but I know all parents have moments when their children test them too. But I believe God looked down and knew that I wouldn't have had enough strength to handle two babies. Especially, since at the time of my pregnancy, I would be bringing them up all by myself in a town where I had no family to help. I was blessed to have a wonderful daughter to help her Mommy with her baby brother and after a few months of Justice's birth some wonderful teenagers adopted Justice as their little brother and became a huge part of his and my life. God knew I needed help then and I'm very thankful He sent it.
God's Will
For years I prayed God would
Make my biggest dream come true
But as much as I tried doing it on my own
There was nothing I could do
Then I became so sick
Completely out of the blue
Mom said, "Girl, I know
Just what is wrong with you"
I was in disbelief of her words
This wasn't something I had planned
But as I gazed upon that test
I began to understand
My timing wasn't His timing
For He knew just the right time
I needed to realize it was to be
God's Will and not mine
I wanted so much to have my baby
On the first day of 2001
But as hard as I tried that baby
Was straight up stubborn
But on the 2nd day of January
My biggest dream would come true
The daughter I saw in my dreams
Was born 2 weeks before she was due
I felt as if I was being torn to shreds
As she made her grand entrance
But it was worth it all
One of life's best experiences
The moment she was placed in my arms
I knew I was destined to be her Mommy
She was God's Will for my life
She was my sweetest little, Destiny
I never really thought I would be able
To ever conceive a child again
But God saw I needed another
And a new chapter of my life began
I didn't believe the first test so I took another
Then another, well, maybe I took a few
Then off to the doctor I soon went
And she said, "an ultrasound is needed for you"
When they looked and looked inside my womb
But had nothing to say to me
I knew they thought something was wrong
With my unborn little baby
Then I was finally told they couldn't find
A baby within my womb
What a broken heart I had
It was filled with such gloom
But my heart knew Who to turn to
About these motherly emotions that were so surreal
Only He knew if I needed another child
So I prayed that God would have His Will
As a week passed on so slowly
With test upon tests done
Another ultrasound was given
And I seen the beginning little life of my son
Though the pregnancy was hard
My emotions were as if I was on a roller coaster ride
I continued to pray to the Lord
For I knew His Will He would not hide
Many said I should terminate the pregnancy
For they felt my baby shouldn't have been
For some reasons I wish not to say
But some were because of the color of his skin
But I became not angry at those people
Towards them, I had no ill will
Because Justice is the Lord's
It was then and today it is still
Thus on the 16th day of November
In the year of our Lord, 2006
A baby boy was born unto me
Proving God's Will need no man try to fix
A few months passed after his birth
And my body was still not up to par
I wasn't sure what the problem was
But the answer wasn't very far
Back to the doctor I went
Where she ordered many tests
Only to find she had no answers
For the problems that did persist
So she suggested a few procedures
Of which she did perform on me
And the outcome was surprising
As I learned of a miscarried baby
This baby was not conceived
After the birth of my son
But during my last pregnancy
There was more than just one
I had unknowingly miscarried
My baby boy's twin
And I often wonder to myself
What might have been
Sometimes it's hard to understand
As it seems to be oh so sad
But God knows how much strength
Inside me that I have
I may not know the answers
To the questions I ask within
But I know it was God's Will
That the little life did end
I trust and believe that one glad day
I will meet the baby He carried home
My heart will then be so merry
To meet the little soul that was unknown.
-LaDawn Cossey
September 1, 2013
"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward." Psalm 127:3 KJV
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